Once In A Lifetime
by Lady Calliope
Summary: [oneshot] Sesshoumaru's waiting for you.


What can I say? This is a random piece of the swirling insanity that is my mind, snatched away on clouds of caffeine. And of course, as always, Fluffy is there to laugh at my confusion. 

Think of this as payback. Or not…^-~

Comments: Lady_Tsunami@hotmail.com

Review and enjoy, my pets. 

**Once **| **In | A** | **Lifetime**

By Lady Calliope

Bah. You stupid human. 

Yes, that's right. I'm in your mind, and you should feel honored. It's not everyday a great youkai lord like myself decides to waste time on a feeble-minded creature like you. And as compensation for this privilege I am so graciously bestowing upon you, you are going to listen to me without interruption. It's been a long day, what with that imbecile of a hanyou half-brother of mine running off Scot-free with Tetsusaiga _again_, and I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks thanks to Rin. And Jaken's hideous face doesn't help the matter at all. So sit back and be silent.

Very good. 

What, you thought being the great Sesshoumaru, the most feared demon in all the western lands and by far the most attractive, was easy?

The truth hurts. But not as much as you will if don't sit back down right this instant. 

Where was I? Oh yes, the story of my excruciatingly difficult life. Of course. 

Being me isn't all it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. I don't even know where to begin to explain it to your simple mind. I mean, do you have any idea how expensive it is to get this kimono of mine dry-cleaned? Especially when you consider we don't even _have_ dry-cleaning yet. Remind me to thank that worthless human girl, you know, the one that's always hanging around my weakling brother, for showing me to that "Widmer's Dry-Cleaning" place in Tokyo. I can't tell you how much easier it is to just clean the same one instead of buying a new one every week. 

Blood is a bitch to get out of your whites. 

Which brings me to another point. What the hell is with all these raving fangirls going on and on about my tail?! It's a piece of my anatomy, for chrissakes, not some kind of a cute plushy you can just pick up and pet. Can we say balance? I would be stumbling all over the screen in a very un-bishounen-like manner because I would have no center of gravity without it. 

And of all things in the seven hells, what kind of a nickname is FLUFFY?!?! 

Stop laughing before I melt you. 

I'm the cruel, heartless, conniving, manipulating, demonic (well, that's kind of redundant…), omnipotent ruler of the Western Lands, not some ::shudder:: adorable, warm, soft, cuddly kitsune brat begging for attention and lovin'. I can have any woman, demon or not, that I want and I don't need cute little pet names to do it!  

It's white; it's fuzzy; it's part of my beautiful demon body. Get over it.

You know, I really wish people would stop pestering me with all their irritating questions about Rin. Yes, she's human, what's your point? If I say I detest humans, I detest humans. If I say touch a hair on her head and you die a slow, tortuous death, then it shall be so. Take it at face value, no if's, and's, or but's. Damnit, I'm the demon lord around here; I make the rules and you don't question them, you simply accept them. Really, it's not that hard. 

There's just one other thing regarding Rin that I just don't understand, and _refuse_ to understand. I do believe there is some conspiracy of lunatics running about the Sengoku Jidai with too much time on their hands and not enough demons to chase them, because who in all the demon worlds came up with the notion that Rin and I could become romantically involved when she's older? Egads, people, that's revolting! The girl is like a daughter…Nevermind. Ignore that; you didn't hear it and I didn't say it.

Ahem, moving right along…Yes.

I must say, though, Rumiko Takahashi really screwed me over on the whole pairing thing. The only available women in the series are that Kagome girl and that demon-huntress, Sango. First of all, I wouldn't go anywhere near Sango. Demon hunter. Big ass boomerang of death (or at least lots of pain). And me, a powerful demon. You do the math. I'm certainly not frightened of the women by any means, definitely not. I simply look out for my best interests, and spending the rest of my basically immortal life trapped in some air void is the least enjoyable thing I could think of at present. Wait…yeah, the least enjoyable. On the other hand, that reincarnated priestess-girl isn't too bad. If only a raging mob of Inuyasha's otaku fangirls wouldn't condemn me to all holy hell for separating the two of them, that is. 

::sigh:: 

At least there are a few writers out there who can manage a story or two with a mediocre ending for Kagome and I.  Ha, you thought I hated humans? Bah, moron. I suppose I have to remind you that I can have any woman I want. Like I said, I make the rules and you don't question them. 

Now you're getting it.

In fact, I'm surprised there aren't more fanfics out there dedicated to me. I suppose the fact that's it's so hard to capture my complex character doesn't help at all, but what can you do? If I wasn't complex, I wouldn't be as interesting as I am. Or as beautiful. 

Speaking of beautiful, the next person who dares approach me and question my gender isn't going to live long enough to put a punctuation mark at the end of their sentence. How many times do I have to say it? I AM A MAN. So what if I've got high cheekbones and a small, pointy chin; I assure you, and everyone else out there, that I'm as man as they come. I have undeniable proof of such, and…

Get your mind out of the gutter. Bah, like you would be so privileged as to witness _that_.

Anyway, like I was saying, it's not my fault. Blame my father. Yes, my father, not my mother. Why are you looking at me with that dubious expression on your face? All you ever saw of him was the big dead demon pile of bones in Inuyasha's eye (and I _still_ don't know how he managed that one…); you never saw him when he was alive and in his humanoid form. Now tell me, do _I_ look like a girl in my true form? No. I mean, people would whisper that my mother was a lesbian, for chrissakes. So you see, it's clearly not by choice that I look the way I do. 

Though I can't say my looks are bad. After all, I _am_ the great Sesshoumaru and as such it is only fitting that I be the most desirable demon male this side of the well. It seems there are at least some humans out there with enough good sense to realize at first glance that I'm not a girl, and then bow down and worship me accordingly.

It's hard being beautiful. You wouldn't understand.    

Probably the most misconstrued idea about me out there is that I feel no emotion. To that I say, once again, stupid humans. Do you have any idea how much effort it takes not to smile? Ask Gendo Ikari if he enjoys it. No one ever considers the possibility that I have innumerable emotions floating about within me and I just can't let them all out, resulting in that emotionless, stoic face I have all the time. If I were to just simply allow my emotions to run free I'd be as confused and moronic as my brother. And it wouldn't help my "fear me" demon image at all.

Besides, if ever there be a time when I'm boiling over, there's always Jaken. And you thought the ugly stick was just a metaphor. Ignorant fool.  

It's not all bad being me, though. Certainly not. I mean, humans and demons alike fear me for my greatness, I have an entire domain at my every whim, my stupid brother seethes with jealousy at my full youkai nature, I get to fight said stupid, jealous brother, my beauty is unsurpassed by anyone, telepathy comes naturally (lucky you, mortal), and the 401K plan is excellent. Hey, even demons have to retire sometime; I'm just planning ahead. 

Plus, I can melt things with my claws. Let's see the great Inuyasha do that (and don't say a _word_ about Tetsusaiga if you know what's good for you).

You know, it really helps to get these things off your chest. I feel so much better already. I guess you humans have a purpose after all, besides being the fearful objects in the wake of my wrath, that is. I hope you have duly appreciated this opportunity I've so generously given you.

Now, scurry along before I decide to hand you over to Jaken.

Wow…

You can run pretty fast for a human. 


End file.
